Stuck Inside My Own Head

I'm stuck inside my own head.
Don't hear a single word you've said
Crying. Trying, Lying. Dying. Falling.
Hold me up,  then bring me down again.
My mind is controlling me. Trying me. Binding me.
What can I do about it?
Tell me, what can I do about it?
I scream. I shake. I cry. I break.
Anxiety takes over me.
I start to doubt all of me.
Who I am. What I want. What to do. Who to be.
Help me see.
I said help me see.
I'm so blind to what's in front of me.
Get me out of these prison bars.
I can't see behind all these nasty scars.
Self- doubt. Self-loathing.
Depression. Confession.
Give me new eyes.
Better yet, give me a new mind.
A change of perspective.
To face my sanity and don't let it take over me.
I'm more than my faults and more than negativity.
More than the X's behind my eyes
and more than my various personalities.
You would know if only you asked
but instead I'll keep putting on this phony mask.
To hide everything from plain view.
Oh man, if only you knew.

Life Experiences, Open Minds and Education

The following is my submission to the 2015 Fall CourseHorse Learner's Scholarship, coursehorse.com/scholarship

My family and I have always relished changes, new experiences and being unique. In whatever situation, the weirder and more interesting, the better. This mindset was proven when my brothers and I were in third grade. Instead of taking our usual trip to Walt Disney World, we decided to use our fall break to go on a mission trip to Costa Rica. We traveled around the small country (about the size of West Virginia) for a week helping communities living in poverty. Some of the ways we helped the communities was painting, construction and children’s ministry activities; such as puppeteering, Vacation Bible School, singing and dancing.

While we were having a tour of one of the communities, the natives showed us a local orphanage. There were about ten children in each house and only one or two helpers per house. Now, when I say “house”, I mean a two or three room area about the size of a kitchen in the average American’s house. In one house there was a child with special needs that was tied to a chair in the kitchen. The helpers had to do this in order for them to be sure he would not hurt himself on accident while they were watching the other children. To say the least, we came back from that trip significantly changed. When my family and I arrived home, the first thing we did was look around at our house, our toys, our clothes and realized how many things we really didn't need.

A few years later when my brothers and I were in fifth grade, we went on another mission trip to Costa Rica. It was then decided that our feelings were not a fluke, but how we really felt and how we had changed. Once we were back in our hometown, Madison, Alabama, my parents sat my eleven year old brothers and I down and told us they had something serious to ask us. They then proceeded to ask us our thoughts about moving to Costa Rica. Now, if our hearts hadn’t already been changing and God working in them, the conversation would have gone a completely different way. Luckily for my parents and us, that was not the case.

We all were very excited to start this new stage and season in our lives. Two years later, in July 2009, my family and I moved to Costa Rica where we have lived for the past six years. During our time here, we have worked with an orphanage, teens, children and various communities all over Costa Rica and extending into Nicaragua. Needless to say, my brothers and I are not like typical teenagers. We attended school at a local Spanish speaking school from 8th grade to 11th grade (in Costa Rica, there are only 11 grades). After that, I attended an online school for a year to graduate 12th grade and improve my English (it tends to fade after speaking mainly Spanish for 6 years).

My education changed my life by giving me new life experiences. I learned basic courses while being immersed in cultural differences. Because of this, my mind was opened to new methods of teaching, ways of thinking and different people. I would not trade my education experience for anything because it made me who I am today and I am forever grateful for that.

Being a missionary, I am fluent in Spanish and English, can adapt very easily to different situations, am friendly to everyone because I know what it is like to be the odd one out and am a master in finding joy in every situation. I have loved my time in Costa Rica more than anything and I know that I am a better person than I would have been if God had led my family and me to Disney that one fall break instead of to Costa Rica. As a missionary, I have been trained and tested to find a light in the dark. When you arrive at a poverty stricken community where they have no food, no running water, are living in 100°+ weather surrounded by dirt and have horrible working conditions, it is hard to find the light of hope. Because of my ability to find light, I am grateful for changes, bumps in the road and hard times because I now know where to look in order to find the sparkles of life or the clichéd, proverbial silver lining.

The following is my submission to the 2015 Fall CourseHorse Learner's Scholarship, coursehorse.com/scholarship

Set an Example for Others

Before I start, I wanted to explain that this little essay was written for a high school in Costa Rica. I was asked to talk to the students about the virtue purity. I considered the time a success and thought maybe others could get something out of it as well. Let's begin.

So, today I am here to talk to you all about purity and my walk with this virtue.

Let me start by telling you a little about my story. I decided to stay pure at a pretty young age. I was 13 years old when I decided and made a commitment to not have sex until marriage. Now, this was a huge promise to make for a 13 year old, but I could not be dissuaded. The idea of being pure was brought to my attention by a friend of mine. It was the first day of school in 7^th grade when I noticed she was wearing a really pretty ring. Naturally, I wanted to know the story behind said ring. She explained to me that it was her mom’s engagement ring and that she used it as a promise or purity ring. She explained that she wanted to save herself for marriage, so she made a promise to God. She did not brag or show off, she simply set an example that I decided to follow.

1 Timothy 4:12 says, “Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.”

How do you set an example? My ring is a private statement of purity and strength for me personally. For you, it could be something entirely different or nothing at all. It is not flashy or loud. You might be able to see here that it is a ring with a heart, a cross made from a sword in the middle, a crown on top and the words “love”, “beauty” and “purity” written around the band. It is simple and meant just for me. It is not perfect. It has been scratched, dented and worn down.

My example is similar. I don’t go around telling people that they are bound for hell or that they will become teen moms and screw up their entire lives if they decide to have sex before marriage. First of all, this is not true. Second of all, it is not my place to tell anyone how to live their life or condemn them for choosing a different lifestyle or stance than me. My sole purpose is it set an example. There is a phrase I like that says, “Where words fail, actions speak”. Another quote I feel exemplifies this is, “Action before words”. That is exactly how we should set our example.

What does purity mean to me? Well, purity is a promise to God to give him complete control of my life for a higher purpose. Purity is strength, intelligence and not easy. When you tell people about your promise, most people see it as a challenge. In my experience, some guys can see it as something they want to conquer or destroy. You have to be strong and intelligent to handle these situations as they occur. But, overall, it is an example.

What has purity taught me? It has taught me that easy is not always the best way and that through hard work, the best outcomes appear.  It has taught me that it is good to be picky and not settle for the first thing or person thrown my way. I have certain values and standards and I do not settle for any less. I am not prideful because of this, but I am smart and look at the big picture.

Now, you might think that high standards are impossible standards. By making this promise, I have been assured that my standards will be filled. God looks favorable upon his servants and rewards them. He is writing my love story because I trust him and have given him complete control of it. I am not bitter about things I cannot have right now in my life because I know there is better to come.  A promise for a promise. I am 100% confident that God will not fail me or my high standards. You have to look at the big picture.

Now, remember the friend I was telling you about? How she was an example for me and my purity? Well, a few years ago, I was living here when a good friend of mine came up to me and confessed that she had decided to get a purity ring as well.  It was so amazing to see how by just being me, I was an example for her. I remember talking to her about my ring before, but I had no idea the impact it had made.

So, today I want to challenge you all to be an example. In speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. This is a personal decision and should not be taken lightly. Do your own research and decide for yourself what kind of example you want to be in this world.